Five days after surgery. I'm doing so well that I stopped popping my Vicodin after waking in the middle of the night in slight pain as I did the first few days. I miss the deep, wonderful sleep that Vicodin (or was it just the exhaustion of recent surgery?) gave me, but something in me just refuses to take drugs I don't need; clearly I'd make a terrible addict.
(I can't help wondering why people crave Oxycontin, enough to make it popular on the street...does it induce euphoria? I only took it when I had pain at night, and then it put me right back to sleep. I could find out by taking it now, when it's daylight, but...the truth is I just can't be bothered. Again, not good for drug dealers. I just don't see myself sitting around in a drug-induced groggy euphoria. Maybe if I were curled up in the arms of someone I loved.)
So now that I'm getting a little better every day, I'm restless, tired of the restrictions of my apartment (not even a real sofa to lounge on), but not up to wandering abroad too much. I'm starting to feel cut off from the world, yet not well enough to join it.
Most of all, I'm aware that I have to deal with this one-breasted condition that is permanently a part of me now. I'm an Amazon, and I don't mean the South American region or book website kind. This look would be convenient if I were strapping on armor or a pouch for arrows or whatever Amazons did (Wikipedia tells me the origin of the name is a-mazos, meaning "without breast"). But in our society, not possessing matched breast mounds or actual cleavage is tantamount to having twelve fingers. No one will be able to resist staring if they suspect.
Actually my difficulty has two parts: how others will see me (as ugly and freakish), and how I will feel about myself (i.e. ugly and freakish). I don't yet know how well I can cover the problem of my clothed appearance, since I can't yet wear a real bra, much less put stuff in it...I'll find that out later. I can, on the other hand, see myself naked, and yes, it is a shock. I will be blunt: I don't like it.
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