Obsessed

I should be anxious about the results of the MRI scheduled for very late afternoon on Monday...instead I'm obsessing about the MRI itself. This is because the last time I was scheduled to do an MRI, I had a panic attack and walked out in tears just as the machine was about to start. The staff was not pleased, and it was humiliating. I'm terrified the same thing will happen. Yet I have to go through with it; it's important for the surgeon to know what's in there, if possible.

That last MRI wasn't my first; the first was extremely unpleasant, but I managed. What filled me with anxiety the second time was that I knew what it was like. You sit in a room waiting to get the IV, then you're put on a narrow table with your arms immobilized and your head in a donut hole. They inject the contrast dye into the IV, which you can feel creeping into your veins, and the creeping is pretty creepy, actually. What sent me over the edge, though, was the imperative not to move, not a muscle, for the entire time, about 45 minutes to an hour, I think. The horrible banging and clanging of the machine doesn't help your nerves. If you move, they can't get good film and the whole thing is for nothing.

What happens when I get anxious is that my mouth becomes very dry and I feel like I can't swallow, which panics me. At the dentist I can ask to take a break and swallow some water. Sometimes if it happens in another situation (not often), I can put the tip of my finger in my mouth and that helps me swallow. This is all ridiculous, I know: as my daughter A. just told me, no one dies from not swallowing for a short time. But the inability to move for that long (and with no distractions at all) just scares the hospital gown off me. I don't know what to do about this. I should have paid attention when friends wanted to teach me relaxation techniques.

I told the nurse this, and she got a prescription for Valium from the doctor right away; I'm guessing I'm not alone in my anxieties over the MRI exam. But I have no idea if the amount he prescribed will help enough. Thus my obsession.

Or maybe I'm just obsessed because I don't want to think about the results, which I'm supposed to get on Tuesday.