Not Inspirational

I want to be upfront: if you're looking for inspiration or warm fuzzies, you won't find it in this post. I tend in general not to have a Positive Outlook on Life. On the other hand, I personally would rather read something that is true, even brutally true, than the usual mush written in the interest of being comforting.

When someone like me has some bad days, they can be very bad. The last couple of days were in some ways the worst since my surgery. Physically I'm coming along, maybe even turned a corner. Today I wore a regular bra for the first time, and it was okay, so that's a milestone. But the struggle I have with my appearance sans bra is looming greater than ever.

It comes down to this: I hate my new lopsided look. OK, I'll be blunt...it's freakish and ugly, at least that's how it appears to me. I don't see how I can ever get reconciled to it, and sometimes, frankly, I wish I had not decided to have the surgery, or at least had not been too cowardly about pain to try an implant. (Though that would have looked weird at best, and might have been an ongoing discomfort.) This is what I'm dealing with now.

The reason for the dip in my mood had to do with issues in the rest of my life, or maybe it's the other way around...maybe those issues seemed more depressing because my spirits were already in a fragile state. At any rate, two nights of waking at 3 am after dreams of frustration (missing a bus, being stranded out in nowhere with no way to get home) didn't help. And yesterday when I went to a class called Yoga for Cancer Victims (not really, but sort of), I found myself getting dizzy every time we went from lying down to sitting and back again. Not sure why -- maybe lack of sleep and not enough lunch. It didn't help to relax me, just made me feel worse.

Well, the sun will come out tomorrow, Orphan Annie said, and at least I'll be around to see that. Or so I think. That's the best I can do as Suzy Creamcheese at the moment.