The title quotes a song by Neil Young...if only. What I mean is that some corner has been turned in my heart, and I have returned to the probably deceptive feeling of normalcy, with its small cares and joys, that I had before the diagnosis two and a half months ago. I no longer feel in crisis, and while my brain tells me that I could be in danger of dying of a recurrence of breast cancer in the future, my mind (more plastic than the brain) says "La, la, la" sort of blithely and refuses to wrap itself around the statistics. Too many other items on the list of worries: will my students give me good evaluations? Will I finish the book, and will the editor laugh derisively when I do? What are the chances I can find the money sometime to help my daughter buy the house she so much wants? Is it possible to protect my five beloved grandchildren from future harm by worrying about them night and day? How do I program THREE reality shows on my DVR at the same time?
Yes, I think I do worry a bit more about my health in general than I used to, and I still do lament that I have some reasons for worry. Plus I'm seeing the radiologist on March 18th, and that should be blog-worthy, as I suspect I'll have to make yet another burdensome and anxiety-filled decision that will have an impact on my life and health. But in general I've returned to floating through the days, doing just enough to keep up with what must be done while never quite feeling I've done enough. In other words: regular life.
No comments:
Post a Comment