I Advance a Step

If "advance" means getting closer to a decision about mastectomy, I think (note hesitant quality of declarative sentence) I've progressed a bit.

Yesterday I had my revisit with Dr. L., the oncologist. I told her I need her help deciding what to do, and described my meeting with Dr. M, the radiologist who advocated so vehemently for mastectomy. I was going to ask Dr. L. for more facts, but she said "it would be hard to say" what my chances of recurrence and survival would be with or without mastectomy.

Before I could answer, she waived it aside: "I agree with Dr. M., " she said in her sweet, calm voice (so unlike Dr. M.'s more forceful tone), "The close margins...the inability to have radiation...the fact that this is a recurrence in the same breast -- if it were me, I'd have a mastectomy."

I guess that did it. But what about Dr. C., my surgeon, and his completely opposite opinion? It seems she had emailed him after getting the news about no radiation. "He's very confident that you'd be fine as is," she said, which was not news, "but I disagree. Even if you survived another recurrence, you don't want a recurrence, period. You wouldn't know if it had metastasized."

There you go. A small chance, but deadly if you get unlucky. And I have not been very lucky, though so grateful to still be here. So...I guess I will be doing it. More on that another time.

Square 2.5

I have another appointment with Dr. L, the oncologist, on Monday. My hope is to advance the decision-making process, which I'm finding increasingly awful, by tossing pointed questions at her. Because my friends are now lining up on the mastectomy question, and let me tell you, I could form two good teams. So that not only hasn't helped, it's increased my anxiety and stress about it all.

Every time I think, Okay, it will be fine as it is, someone says, "You're kidding me, you're going to risk your life, even a little bit, for that little old breast?"

Then I think, That's absurd, of course I won't. Better have the dreadful surgeries and get it over with. Then someone else says, "The surgeon wouldn't have said it was safe if he didn't think it was. Don't trust the ones who tell you to run to the most extreme measure. Surgery is hell you don't want to put yourself through for very little risk."

And I'm back where I was. So we'll see if Dr. L can manage to shed more light on Monday.